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Along comes a young courtier (Carmel Laniado) with a mission for him to save the ailing Queen Victoria, and also there’s an animal loving fellow (Harry Collett) who wants to be Dolittle’s apprentice. A quest for some mysterious something or other ensues, with dozens of familiar voices saying witty things like “that’s gotta hurt” when a gorilla knees a tiger in the balls. It’s frantic and clearly an attempt at salvaging a mess of a script, but the crowning catastrophic glory is Downey’s performance, in which he answers the question, “what would it sound like if someone were trying to do a Scottish accent for 100 minutes while falling asleep?” We should be angry that so much money is thrown at something this misbegotten, and that we’ve apparently decided children don’t deserve any better.

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